Dear Small Liberal Arts College,
You want me.
I am an excellent teacher. My students say that my classes are their favorite, that they learned more in my class than in any other college course, that I am organized, personable, and fair, and that my teaching methods are extremely effective. My colleagues like and trust me and want to continue working with me. I can teach a variety of courses and offer new perspectives on religion, ethics, gender and women’s studies, queer studies, technology, and cultural studies. I am six teachers for the price of one. Furthermore, in the next 40 years, I will win teaching awards, work on several important collaborative projects with colleagues, serve on countless committees, work on restructuring the curriculum, and chair the department.
Additionally, I am an ambitious and cutting edge scholar. I graduated from undergrad in 3 years and finished my PhD in 4.5 years (and that includes taking a semester off for my mom’s death). I am self-motivated, goal oriented, and fully capable of completing complex tasks ahead of schedule. Furthermore, at 28 I have written 2 chapters, 3 articles, and a book length manuscript in a cutting edge field. In the course of my career, I will publish several books, countless articles, and serve as president of our national conferences. I will be a respected scholar in several fields and will gain notoriety for your institution.
Furthermore, K and I will buy a home within walking distance of campus. We will walk our dog around campus and say hello to everyone. We will volunteer to coach the sports teams. We will attend musical and theater events. We will work in the community garden, pick up trash around campus, volunteer with student groups, and invite students to our house for Thanksgiving dinner. K will also be able to teach some courses if you would like. We will fully immerse ourselves in the life of the campus and will contribute to the community in countless ways.
You will get 40 years of dedicated service from me, and all I need in return is a tiny bit of office space, a living wage, decent health insurance, and enough time off to not get burned out.
In short, I am what you are looking for. I am a great teacher, an important scholar, a helpful colleague, a personable advisor, an active community member, and a huge asset to your community. Isn’t this is exactly what you want in a new faculty member?
I will look forward to hearing from you.
~Tracy L. Hawkins, PhD